November 24, 2009
I have been looking forward to this movie for so long. Why? Because I'm a huge fan and have read all the books? No. Because Robert Pattinson is such a fine actor? No. Because I enjoy films starring Shark boy? No. I have been looking with great anticipation because I knew how horr...( read more)ible the movie was going to be. And guess what? I GOT MY WISH!!!
New Moon picks up where Twilight leaves off with Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) having a birthday. Bella is afraid she's getting too old at the ripe, old age of 18 and goes birthday Nazi, except for the bloodsucker birthday hosted by Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison). While at the party Bella gets the worst paper cut in the history of the world, causing the Sideshow Bob looking vampire to go after all that, ruining a perfectly good piano. Edward decides to leave as a way to protect Bella, even though other vampires and werewolves, and Crips are lurking in the Washington forest. She soon becomes an adrenaline junkie that gets visions of Edward playing Smokey the Bear whenever she does dangerous stuff, leading her to hang out with Jacob (Shark Boy) and spend weeks working on a pair of motorcycles that they only ride for two minutes. Jacob cuts his hair, takes his shirt off, becomes and ass, and becomes a dog. Edward decides to kill himself (thank God) and it's up to Bella to stop the Liberace Vamp from getting pulled apart by Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning.
Did you get all that? The movie's as messy as that paragraph and even worse than its predecessor in the "lets make the tweenies swoon" department. Robert Pattinson's introduction in this film made me laugh out loud, being so damn ridiculous. It looks like a bad Abercrombie commercial complete with music. This is the happiest depressed vampire I've ever seen. And another thing: the next time I hear people complaining about William Shatner's acting, I want this guys name brought up. He pauses every two words. Bella....................................................do you.......................................................want............................................................black olives......................................................on your..................................................................sub? No wonder this movies over two hours! Could you imagine if this guy was in the film more than the small amount he appears (give me an AMEN!)? Kristen Stewart is a better actress than this garbage, but it's a steady job that will get great PR. Just don't pull a Mark Hamill, dear. We can't forget Taylor Launtner, who obviously has gone to the McConaughey school for acting which means you need to have your shirt off as much as possible- who cares if you act for shit? Even on a rainy day in Washington in February. What's better than that? Four guys with their shirts off. What's even better? Edward Pattinson showing off his Michael Jackson post-mortem physique near the end of the picture. I'm serious folks. It's like comparing me in 1996 to The Rock.
I could go another hour about the dialogue. It's hilarious. I have to applaud these actors and actresses because I don't know how they can say this shit with a straight face. The one redeeming thing about this movie was Michael Sheen as the Lestadt like head vampire that is always so damn happy. The reason he's got a smile on his face is because he can't believe that script either. He is actually very good in the movie, though he won't be noticed because he doesn't take his shirt off and have crappy metro sexual rock tunes playing in the background.
The film is too long by at least fifteen minutes, which could have been fixed by having Pattinson talk a little faster and cut the depressed looks of the cast down by about 50. There's also a storyline dealing with another vampire named Victoria that gets no real resolution and didn't need to be in there other than to pad the numbers. If the books are as badly paced as this movie its no wonder the world is going to hell in a hand basket.
But at the end of the day it doesn't matter what I think. Ladies between thirteen and 90 and their mothers, aunts, and sister will all flock to this movie and bring some poor schmuck of a guy with them to see the vomit that is being projected onto the screen. Just like Star Wars fans would flock to a movie with George Lucas wiping his ass with one hundred dollar bills for two hours as long as there's the big title sequence and a light saber, ladies will flock to this cess pool vampire soap opera as long as it has unkempt hair and topless child stars. Even more so than the first film, this is an example of a huge money making enterprise that has no redeeming value other than selling tickets, merchandise, and more books.
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